I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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