did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
