I cockslap morals
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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