this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize