Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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