He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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