I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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