woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
