i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
