I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
