you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
