but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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