If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
