One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize