Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
