how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
