I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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