wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
