he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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