Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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