roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
