Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
