Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
