So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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