Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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