Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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