i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
