That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
