You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So much Jack, so little girl.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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