im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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