so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
