Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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