He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just found a bag of teeth...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize