PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
