i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
