I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
