Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
