does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
