Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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