her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
