I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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