someone threw a dead crab at me
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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