I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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