I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
