Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
