Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
