Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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