i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
