thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
