True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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