I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
