if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I would ride that face into the sunset
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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