I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
