I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
