Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We're too hungover to prance.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
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