Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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