I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
