why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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