Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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